Been there, done that

It's strange how things happen. How one day everything can just seem so normal, and then within minutes that all changes. Like last week when I went in for a routine Prenatal appointment, we went over the ultrasound I had just had a few days before. An ultrasound where everything was perfect. We talked about all sorts of routine things. We listened to my heart, my lungs, measured my uterus and then went to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was kind of hard to find....but not such a big deal because I was just 14 weeks and my placenta was in the way. This happened with Cait - and everything turned out ok. After about 10 minutes the doctor gave up and said not to worry. I had just had a beautiful ultrasound a few days earlier, so there was nothing to worry about. BUT, she did send me in for an ultrasound to calm my mommy nerves. I hopped on over to the clinic. I was thinking about how this was such an inconvenience because I really needed to get home for Hailey's Birthday party...and I still needed to pick up a few last minute things from the store. But then again I will NEVER pass up a chance to see one of my babies on the ultrasound screen. I thought it would just be a quick look at the baby, a confirmation that everything was ok.

It wasn't.

There was no heartbeat. And honestly, I was shocked. I had not expected this in the slightest. In fact, I kind of thought I had filled my bank full of loss. I guess not. So I went back into the maternity clinic and met with the doctor. We talked about a few things and then she asked if I wanted to meet with the OB. I would have loved to talk about it with her at that moment, but I had a party to get to, and 7 year old girl birthday parties don't get put on hold for anything. So I booked an appointment for the next morning. Still in shock I drove home and threw a great spa party for my beautiful 7 year old Hailey. What a perfect distraction.

The next morning bright and early Ben and I went in to see the OB and discuss our options. Basically the only one that made sense to us was to go in for a D&C the next day. Ben drove me home and Cait and I spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch watching TV while the big girls played with their cousin at soccer camp.

I've been here before. And it sucked. I didn't really think it would be so hard again. But it is. It's not quite the same as when we lost the twins. That crushed my world and changed my life. This is sad and a huge set back, but I feel like we'll be ok. With the twins I thought I'd never smile again. This time I have no choice, I have three girls who are expecting a smiling fun mom. And that's what they'll get. It's strange though, these emotions, I thought I'd conquered them. And even though I know it will be ok, it still sucks. I still feel ripped off. But there's nothing that can be done. So I'll be sad, but I will get better. I'll cry but it won't be forever. I'll mourn this loss, but maybe we'll get another baby one day. And if not, we'll be ok. We've done it before and we'll do it again. I'm lucky to have such great friends and family, and three beautiful little daughters and especially my amazing husband! He's just perfect and I'm glad he's the one by my side through all this. He's an expert you know!

Here are some pictures I took of my girls recently. Ironically I tool them the same day I took pictures of their Tea Party pregnancy announcement. 

Just a little announcement

So a few months ago Ben and I decided to talk about whether we should have more kids. I really struggle with New born babies, it's just so hard, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to put our family through that again. We were pretty much decided that we were happy with the three we had and we should count our blessings and move on to the next stage of our life. But something changed...in the form of a positive pregnancy test. I guess our 'decision' wasn't really ours to make. So we wrapped our minds around the idea of another baby and decided that it was actually pretty exciting...in fact pretty amazing. We were pretty shocked by the news and decided to keep it a secret for a while. We needed time to let it all sink in first. And then the morning sickness hit. Hard. And I just had no energy to talk to anyone or tell them what was going on, I just had to focus all my energy on getting through the day. And that's what we did. There were small breaks in morning sickness where I got to dream up cute announcement ideas. And one day decided on a little tea party for my girls...just like the one above. And then weeks later there was another break in the morning sickness and I pulled it all together and got a few adorable pictures of my three perfect little girls. And so now we just wait to find out we're having (at the end of August). And just for the record, before anyone else says it, we were NOT trying or hoping for a boy. We were also not trying or hoping for a girl. What would make us happier than anything is a baby that can spend less time at the hospital than Cait. So please, understand that. We are just happy to have a baby...boy or girl!!

So that's the news...McCance baby number 4 (or 6 depending on how you count) will be here near the end and January. We've got a LOT of work to do to prepare. Like maybe develop our basement?? Or just organize baby clothes - get rid of or buy new ones depending on the gender. Check out our car seat and see if it's even valid anymore. Buy a baby swing because I honestly have no baby stuff anymore. Think about names, and all sorts of other baby things. Get Cait ready for a baby. Get Cait into some important doctors appointments BEFORE the baby comes. And so on. SO MUCH WORK!! SO WORTH IT!

The girls do Gymnastics

I put the girls in gymnastics this spring. I had them in Gymnastics early last year and I thought I'd give it another try. They liked it...I don't think they loved it though. On the last day of Paige's class I heard we were allowed to bring a camera. So I did. And I followed them around the entire class and took pictures. It turns out they meant we could bring a camera to take pictures at the END...with their coach. oops. Oh well...here are some of Paigey's pictures. Who knows if we'll do it again. This year I decided to sign them up for NOTHING...and then get a seasons pass at Nakiska so they could ski every weekend. That to me counts as an activity...and it will make my weekdays less busy!