Why? Part II

Here's another "why" post.

Why is it that when someone sees a really cute baby they say "I just want to eat him"? Isn't that gross? Who would really want to eat a baby? Also, why would they pinch his cheeks, doesn't that hurt? Why would anyone want to hurt a baby.

Here's my answer...

He's so cute, don't you just want to pinch his cheeks and eat him too?? I know I do (in the non hurting and gross way of course).

Why?

Here are my thoughts for today - don't read too far into the meaning and intention of this post because it's just one of those days. Everyone needs to cry once in a while.

Why is it that people can’t talk about what happened to me? Why do their eyes gloss over with artificial boredom as soon as I mention my pregnancy? Why do they turn their heads and avoid my eyes. Do they really believe that if they don’t make eye contact everything will be ok? Maybe they are trying to spare me the pain, but don’t they see that I’m the one who brought it up? Can’t I choose to talk about it? It is my story to tell, not theirs. Can’t they see that if I brought it up, then I’m comfortable with the pain it brings – or here’s an abstract thought, can’t they see that maybe I feel less pain if I talk about it? Talking is therapeutic.

Why is it that they have to talk about the situation in some sort of cryptic code? Is it less difficult to deal with if we don’t use the actual words to describe it such as “pregnancy”, “stillbirth”, “girls”, “twins” and especially “baby”? Do they not realize that by skimming over the issue and avoiding the concrete facts, they are invalidating my pain? By not recognizing that something happened they don’t allow me to hold on to my memories. Is it really that big of a secret? Do people not want to admit that they know someone that lost a baby because it somehow reflects badly on them? Or even worse, that they might catch the “disease” as well? I wonder if they will ever be able to hear me mention my pregnancy in a positive note without squirming from the awkwardness of the conversation. Do they not realize that I had 5 happy months of pregnancy? I actually have memories that are GOOD – not everything was bad about my pregnancy. Do they also not realize that I actually was pregnant? I really did have two babies growing inside, so when we relate pregnancy stories I actually do have some. I actually have memories – how interesting.

Why is it that most people don’t ask me how I’m doing and really mean it? Why is it that they don’t want to actually know what my feelings are? Why is it that when they ask me how I am and I say “Not so good today” that they are so shocked? Am I not allowed to still feel pain? Just because my physical pain is gone, it doesn’t mean that I’m emotionally better – at least not all the time. On the other hand, why is it that others who really do want to know my feelings are shocked when I say I’m fine? Am I supposed to feel terrible all the time? I don’t.

Why do I feel like I need to adjust to make them feel good? Why do I have to minimize my situation just so they aren’t uncomfortable? Why is it that some people will be offended if they read this? Will they judge me for the way I’m handling things? Why do some people feel like they can tell me how to better handle the situation when they’ve never been there themselves? I sometimes don’t need things “fixed” but just need to be heard. Why do some people work so hard at making me feel bad for having these feelings, or why do I feel bad at all for having these feelings? I shouldn’t have to worry about what others think. Why do some take it personally when I’m sad – they should know I’m not sad because of them, but sometimes I’m sad when I’m around them. Those are two very different things.

Why is it that I don’t feel very many people care anymore? Why?

Easter

This Easter weekend was so fun. On Saturday the boys (and Mom, me and Sarah) all worked hard to finish the new flooring in mom and dads house. We were just in time - because on Sunday we had a BIG family dinner. We had the usual numbers there (19) but the meal was LARGE!!! We had Ham, Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Hashbrown Potatoes, Gravy, stuffing, corn, fresh veggies, sweet potatoes, burnt broccoli and cauliflower (which we didn't actually eat), cranberry sauce, two types of buns (we think) and so on... We ate so much. After dinner Becc went outside to check on something and noticed that the Easter Bunny had come. She ran inside as quick as she could to tell the kids. We were so lucky because when we looked out the window we actually saw the Easter bunny hopping across the street (He must have forgotten something because he went right back into our yard). Of course he was too quick for me to take a picture so you won't be seeing him, but the rest of us did. It was amazing. Matthew really loved it. As we were walking outside he turned to Becc and said "Mom, I knew he was an animal, I really did!!".

Here are some pics of Matthew, Marcus and Lucy (those are toy sunglasses she's wearing)


And of course Bradley had his own fun on the Bed in Mom and Dads Room

Pointless Part I

I was looking through some pictures today trying to decide on a topic for this post. I had a hard time deciding until I found this one:

I honestly laughed for so long just looking at Marcus face here - he is priceless.

So now I will share some of my silly pictures I have just because I can.

Here's Ben, I'm not sure if he's always a nimrod (it's up for debate) but in this picture he definitely is.
Here's Ben's sister Rebecca, I think it's pure evil of me to post this on here so I will explain: she is just silly here and is normally a very beautiful person. But this is definitely a funny picture. I better not tell her this one is here or she will just die!

Here's me at a "Modesty Fashion Show", I'm just not sure why I can't keep my mouth closed. If you ever watch me dance or do anything silly this is what I look like. Eyes shut and Mouth wide open...Crazy, I know.
Okay, here's another Marcus, I'm not picking on him it's just his pictures are sooooo funny.

I think Nate knows he can't avoid a page like this. The sad thing is I've seen worse (mostly of the rear end). I think Tan also knows she can't avoid her picture in here. What's funny is most the ones I have of her are really good - but I did find this one (I guess Sarah and I have our own issues too)

I know I have lots and lots of pics but I don't' have the time right now. All I can say is the rest of the family had better watch out...also Becc should know that I have seen a really good one of her which is prime posting material, but I can't find it right now. Maybe I'll make a Part II.

Cousins

I mentioned earlier how much I love my family. Nothing can replace that relationship. I have amazing parents who made all the right decisions when raising me -they knew what I needed and when I needed it. One thing they definitely got right is the choice they made to raise us near our cousins. I know my other siblings benefited from having a cousin nearby, but I think I was the one who was blessed the most. Today's Blog is dedicated to my cousin Emily:

She was born a little over a year after me and that year never made a difference. We played together as much as our parents would allow. Although we got in TONS of fights when we were little we still loved eachother. One of my favourite memories of Emily is having fashion shows at her house dressing in all the clothes from her never ending designer wardrobe. I quickly became obsessed with fashion thanks to those fashiopn shows. Other fun things we did included:

• Making Dances - we would spend hours with our other cousin Randa coreographing very detailed and complicated dance moves to songs from way before we were born
• Basketball Camps - we went to all our basketball camps together and had a blast. I remember going to one in Olds (week long overnight camp) and having Emily there to help me with my homesickness
• Trips to Utah and California - we had so much fun touring and going to beaches - but most importantly we loved DisneyLand
• EFY - I went to EFY with Emily every other year (I alternated with Randa) We loved the boys!!
• Waterton and Writing on Stone Camping Trips - We biked around all day long and took pictures of stupid things. I remember this one tume we still hiked to the top of Bears hump even though I was in such a bad mood - once we got to the top I couldn't be mad anymore - the view was gorgeous!!
• Hiking trips to Mountain Lodges - We ate so many Eatmore bars and made up so many silly songs (We definitely had all the lyrics to Bohemian Rapsody down by the end of the first trip)

We did so many fun things growing up, but regardless of how exciting the actual events were, we had fun because we just liked to be around eachother. Our relationship is simple and unforgetable. We can get together after not talking for MONTHS and still get along like nothing has changed. This last summer right after we moved into our house, Emily came for a visit and we spent hours one night taking pictures. We were so tired by the end, but I loved the results - A ton of pictures of us just being us.

Mmmm Cookies

I'm a blogging addict tonight. I just had to post this recipe. These are my no fail cookies. They are delicious and so easy to make.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

1 CUP Margarine
1 ½ CUPS Brown Sugar
*Cream Together*
-ADD-
2 Eggs
*Beat until fluffy*
-ADD-
4 TBSP flour
1 BAG chocolate chips
*Cream into Batter*
-ADD-
1 TSP Salt
1 TSP Baking Soda
2 TSP Vanilla
*Cream into Batter*
-ADD-
2 CUPS Brown Sugar
*Cream into Batter*

Spoon onto cookie sheets
Bake at 350 (F) for 10 minutes (11 tops)

I Love...

There are so many things I love in life, but my top love is my family. I love my parents, my brothers and sisters (which definitely includes inlaws), my nieces and nephews, and especially my husband. This post today is dedicated to how much I love being an aunt. I love my niece and my 4 nephews (including the one on the way). Here are some pics:

I love Matthew. He was the first Grandchild so of course we love - love - love him sooooo much. He is so crazy and full of energy, but still such a sweet little guy. He so tenderly teaches us about the world of action hero's so we don't forget who we are when we play. He loves to play.



I just love Marcus. I spend every Thursday playing with him and Tanya. He is so cute when he laughs and smiles - his little mouth scrunches up into his cheeks and random dimples pop up all over the place. He's so funny because he walks really well in secret - but in public he won't take a step unless he absolutely wants to.

I love Bradley - I don't have a picture of him right now, but I'll post it later. He's my special little nephew who lets me hold him, cuddle him and ask him all sorts of silly questionsHe just stares at me and lets me talk (although sometimes I think he's giving me the "I know you're crazy but I'll pretend to not notice" look.).

***Here is the promised pitcure of Bradley***

I love Emily, she is my only niece and she is such a cutie. She has such a unique and adorable personality. I love how for the longest time she thought I was also called Uncle Ben. I love how she is the perfect mix of all things girly with a touch of tomboy edge. She really is a little princess surrounded by dirty boys.

I love Carson. He is such a little man. Everything about his personality screams "BOY". He grunts and pounds on things and plays like little boys should. At the same time he is such a little flirt when he flashes his big smile and bats his long eyelashes. Who can resist his charms... definitely not me.

Winter - part II

So now I'll explain. On September 25 2005 we found out we were pregnant!! We were both so excited, and a little scared of what was going to happen. It was not an easy pregnancy from the beginning. I immediately had complications which put me on bedrest for a week. That week was a blessing though because we were able to have an ultrasound to determine the viability of the pregnancy, what a surprise it was when the doctor saw two yolk sacs. There was no heart beat yet, so we couldn't be sure of what would happen next, but there were two...yes two yolk sacs!! I spent hours on line reading up on the chances of those two yolk sacs turning out to be two babies. I quickly learned that it's common for a pregnancy to start out with two and then end in one before anyone even knows (vanishing twin syndrome). I didn't get my hopes up. On November first I had some more problems, and was sent in for an emergency ultrasound. It turns out we had nothing to worry about because everything was going great and the babies were doing great. What?? Did I just Babies?? I did; at that ultrasound it was confirmed that we were pregnant with identical twins!!! There was a catch though, it appeared there was no membrane dividing the two which would mean we were going to have a very risky, dangerous pregnancy. We were told not to worry because it was just too early to make any diagnosis on the membrane situation.

November 15 we had another ultrasound (different company - different doctor) and this one also confirmed there was no membrane. Once again we were told it was too early for a diagnosis, so we waited for the next ultrasound sheduled on Jan 4 2006. My doctor quickly switched me over to a specialist who told me that although they weren't 100% sure, they would treat me like I was pregnant with monoamniotic monochorionic (momo) twins. I cried and cried, but he told me to wait until January for my final confirmation. I researched my little (well constantly expanding) butt off, hoping I would find something that would prove my doctors wrong. What I found was comfirmation that because we'd seen two yolk sacs earlier, the odds were in our favour. 98% of the time two yolk sacs turns out to be two amniotic sacs - there was most likely a thin membrane that had been missed. We really cherished this statistic and let it lead us into denial. I'm grateful for that denial though. We searched for any little sign that the ultrasound had been wrong - our favourite sign was the fact that the ultrasound tech couldn't find the second baby for almost 5 minutes. She swore the second baby had died and vanished. I knew better, so I asked her to look again...she was surprised when she did find the baby. We figured, if she couldn't find an entire baby, how could she see a clear membran, as thin as saran wrap in clear fluid - we assumed she couldn't.

So we waited for our Jan 4th Ultrasound with the Perinatalogist. We knew what he would find, we just knew there was a membrane. We waited, and my tummy grew.









Ben and I spent Christmas with our families and I had so much fun with my two pregnant sisters, Tan was 6 (ish) weeks, I was 20 weeks and Becc was 39 weeks. We took pictures of us at all different stages and laughed at how Sarah was the only one who wasn't pregnant. We went to Bens family get together (cousins and all) and I loved that not only was I due in the spring, but two of his cousins were too. At my family get together (cousins as well) I hung out with my cousin Randa was also pregnant and due on April 8. We do everything at the same time: She was born just a few weeks before me, we got engaged the same week to boys from the same town, and we got married the same weekend. We thought it just made sense that I was going to have my babies just two days before she was due. (My due date was really June 1, but because of the type of pregnancy I would only be allowed to carry until 32 weeks which would be April 6 2006.)

So on January 4th our family prayed for two miracles. That day Becc went in for her c-section and Bradley was born - we prayed he would be healthy because there had been a down syndrome scare during her pregnancy. That same day we went in for our big ultrasound - we prayed for a membrane. Becc's miracle was a reality when Bradley was born healthy. Our prayers were answered in a different way, we did not see a membrane and it was confirmed 100% that we were having momo twins. We were sad and excited because they were healthy and strong girls!! We learned that day that we would be having twins girls!!!

January 5th - I had had a rough day, I was tired and pregnant. I called my mom and told her that I just wanted a normal pregnancy, I didn't want one where there was only a 50% chance my girls would live. I just was so tired of the struggles we'd faced. She told me that she just knew we were going to have two healthy living girls. I wasn't too sure.

January 6th - we had to go to another ultrasound because after 2 1/2 hours on Tuesday (Jan 4) the doctor couldn't get all the measurements finished. We walked into the clinic so proud that we were going to be parents to two very rare and perfect twins girls. We knew we belonged to a special club. The technician asked if we would allow an ultrasound student to watch - she had never seen momo twins before and could easilly go her whole career without seeing them again. We agreed of course - any chance to show off our babies. The technician explained that she would first go over things with the student, then show us the babies and then bring in the peri. We agreed and waited our turn. Within a minute of turning the machine on, the technician frowned, turned to the student and told her to grab the peri. As the student was leaving the technician asked us when our last ultrasound was. We explained that it was just two days ago. She asked if everything had been normal, we told her that everything was fine. She frowned and accepted the answer without saying anything. We knew something was wrong but didn't think it was worse than a cord knot (which we knew we'd have).

The peri came in and looked at the screen then turned to us and asked us a question you never want to hear from a doctor: "Do you want the bad news here, or in another room?" We of course wanted to know immediately. So she turned the screen toward us and we saw instantly there were no heart beats where we had seen them just two days earlier. She showed us the cord flow chart and we could see that there was none, she showed us the cord knot that had ultimately ended their lives. She then left the room and asked that we meet her in a special room. We cleaned up, cried and clung to eachother. We were devastated.

Our families struggled along with us and cried for us. They too missed out girls. We went to the hospital to deliver the girls on January 8 2006. I was induced at 3:30PM Sunday afternoon, 6 hours later I got an epidurel, and another 6 hours later my water broke and I was forced to push my little girls out so I could say good bye. They were born at 3:27 and 3:32 AM Monday January 09 2006. Weighing 5 oz each and only measuring at 16 and 18 cm they looked like mini babies. Their little hands were perfectly formed, their faces were chubby and soft, there tummy's were round and their legs small but long. They were beautiful. I'll spare you the pictures of them because it's shocking to see there transluscent skin bruised from the pressures of labour. We held them and stared at them as said goodbye to Emma and Jayne McCance - our first children.

We left the hospital that evening. We had to leave our girls there, but we left with a box full of their hospital memories (unused hospital bracelets, birth certificates, footprint cards, little baby clothes and blankets).

I spent the next week coming to terms with my post pregnancy body - milk and all. I struggled with the fact that I had the baby rolls everyone else gets after pregnancy but I had nothing to show for it. I struggled with the fact that my family was happy for my sister and her new baby but also sad for my loss - how do you balance those emotions? I struggled (and still do sometimes) with his birth and his life. I want him to talk to me and tell me all about Emma and Jayne. I know he knows them and I want to know too. I had a hard time with the fact that Becc was sore from breast feeding and I was sore because I couldn't. I had a hard tim knowing that Tan was still pregnant and I wasn't. We no longer joked that Sarah was the only one not pregnant because now Tan was the only one who was pregnant. I struggled with the fact that life went on for eveyone else and mine just stayed still - I couldn't move forward because I still wanted to be in the past. I hated that I was part of a special club - but not one I wanted to join. We now belonged to the "pregnancy and infant loss" club. No one wants to be there. I struggled when people talked about their miscarriages like they didn't realize I had delivered babies - I didn't just lose a pregnancy- it was a stillbirth!! They were stillborn, but still born. The were born.

Flowers graced our countertops for weeks after our loss. I loved the flowers, but hated them too. I didn't want flowers because I didn't want the loss that they were associated with. I didn't want any of it.

Something terrible had happened and I couldn't stop it. Winter had come.

Due Date

This post won't make any sense until you've read Winter part II, but I needed to put this on here today so that my feelings are fresh and so that I remember this day.

Well, today’s the day. If everything had gone according to plan I would have had my c-section this morning and my girls would have been here with me (well probably in NICU because they would have been 32 week babies, but at least living and breathing). I’m not sure what to think today, I’m kind of numb, very sad, but also a bit relieved.

I’m relieved that I didn’t have to worry about the outcome for the last few months of my pregnancy. It’s common in the type of pregnancy I had for either both to die or both to have severe mental disabilities (resulting from cord knots) or variations of the two. It’s not as common that both babies are healthy and living. I know it sounds strange, but that’s why I’m relieved – I know what the result was and I didn’t need to wait for today to hear bad news.

I’m numb because sometimes I can’t remember what it was like to have them. I often forget that it even happened. I’m starting to lose my memories of my pregnancy and it scares me. I always want to remember that time in my life, because even though it was stressful and terrifying it was also the happiest and most joy filled time.

I’m sad for obvious reasons. I do not have the babies I was supposed to have, I’m not pregnant with another, and I feel somewhat isolated in my feelings because most people are too afraid to talk about it. I’ve been on the verge of tears constantly for the last week and it’s wearing me out. I’m tired of crying so much. I hope next week will be better, but for now I just have to get through today. Oh, I wish things were different. This is the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. I’m so sad – but I’m not depressed. I do see positives; like my husband and I are so much closer and we seem (hopefully) more mature and strong. Even though some things are better, I would still give anything to have them back in my life. I wish it never happened.

Ok, I’ve got to end on a good note for my own sanity. Here’s a quote I find comfort in (and the inspiration for this blog):

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

Winter - part I

Where to start... this is my first blog. I have an online journal, but it's private (as far as I know) so this is my first public posting. However, I do plan to keep this one a secret for a while. One day I will share with others, but for now it's just me and my keyboard.

So for now I don't really need an introduction, and I don't know if I ever will, but here it is anyway:

My dear Husband and I got married when I was only 19 (He was 22) on February 15 2003. I was such a child, but I loved him so much then, and I love him the same today - even more actually.

We worked hard after we got married to make a life for ourselves. Partly because suddenly I didn't have unlimited use of my parents car and free room and board and partly because we had goals and dreams we wanted to acheive. I was in school full time trying to finish my degree while working full time as well and he was working hard preparing for his Aprrenticeship training. We saved hard, but we had lots and lots of fun at the same time. We spent a ton of time laughing and enjoying eachother, plenty of weekends with our families and pretty much the rest of the time we filled with snowboarding during the winter and sunshine activities (the lake) during the summer.

After two and a half years of hard work, school and happy times, we bought our first home. It's such a cute little place and has been such a haven from the stresses of life. We love living here. Here is a picture of our home (unfinished of course - I just never ended up taking a finished picture):

We have a nice red door which makes it stand out from all the other houses on the street and sort of acts as a symbol of our relationship - Simple, Cute and a bit Crazy. The first day we moved in I prayed for rain because it seemed so dusty and dry everywhere. I learned a lesson that day - our prayers are always answered. After over a month of straight rain, and countless tragedies for our new little town, the rain stopped and the sun shone bright. Our house withstood the floods of 2005 - we were we so relieved and proud of our new little home. Winter came quickly in more ways that one in the end of 2005. Once again our house symbolized our relationship: we will stand strong and bold as we face the personal floods of 2006. The sun will come out again...

It all begins here. I will post more later, but for now all I need to know is that it all begins here (or at least begins again here, just like Spring)