Thursday, April 06, 2006

Due Date

This post won't make any sense until you've read Winter part II, but I needed to put this on here today so that my feelings are fresh and so that I remember this day.

Well, today’s the day. If everything had gone according to plan I would have had my c-section this morning and my girls would have been here with me (well probably in NICU because they would have been 32 week babies, but at least living and breathing). I’m not sure what to think today, I’m kind of numb, very sad, but also a bit relieved.

I’m relieved that I didn’t have to worry about the outcome for the last few months of my pregnancy. It’s common in the type of pregnancy I had for either both to die or both to have severe mental disabilities (resulting from cord knots) or variations of the two. It’s not as common that both babies are healthy and living. I know it sounds strange, but that’s why I’m relieved – I know what the result was and I didn’t need to wait for today to hear bad news.

I’m numb because sometimes I can’t remember what it was like to have them. I often forget that it even happened. I’m starting to lose my memories of my pregnancy and it scares me. I always want to remember that time in my life, because even though it was stressful and terrifying it was also the happiest and most joy filled time.

I’m sad for obvious reasons. I do not have the babies I was supposed to have, I’m not pregnant with another, and I feel somewhat isolated in my feelings because most people are too afraid to talk about it. I’ve been on the verge of tears constantly for the last week and it’s wearing me out. I’m tired of crying so much. I hope next week will be better, but for now I just have to get through today. Oh, I wish things were different. This is the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. I’m so sad – but I’m not depressed. I do see positives; like my husband and I are so much closer and we seem (hopefully) more mature and strong. Even though some things are better, I would still give anything to have them back in my life. I wish it never happened.

Ok, I’ve got to end on a good note for my own sanity. Here’s a quote I find comfort in (and the inspiration for this blog):

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

No comments: