It's strange how things happen. How one day everything can just seem so normal, and then within minutes that all changes. Like last week when I went in for a routine Prenatal appointment, we went over the ultrasound I had just had a few days before. An ultrasound where everything was perfect. We talked about all sorts of routine things. We listened to my heart, my lungs, measured my uterus and then went to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was kind of hard to find....but not such a big deal because I was just 14 weeks and my placenta was in the way. This happened with Cait - and everything turned out ok. After about 10 minutes the doctor gave up and said not to worry. I had just had a beautiful ultrasound a few days earlier, so there was nothing to worry about. BUT, she did send me in for an ultrasound to calm my mommy nerves. I hopped on over to the clinic. I was thinking about how this was such an inconvenience because I really needed to get home for Hailey's Birthday party...and I still needed to pick up a few last minute things from the store. But then again I will NEVER pass up a chance to see one of my babies on the ultrasound screen. I thought it would just be a quick look at the baby, a confirmation that everything was ok.
There was no heartbeat. And honestly, I was shocked. I had not expected this in the slightest. In fact, I kind of thought I had filled my bank full of loss. I guess not. So I went back into the maternity clinic and met with the doctor. We talked about a few things and then she asked if I wanted to meet with the OB. I would have loved to talk about it with her at that moment, but I had a party to get to, and 7 year old girl birthday parties don't get put on hold for anything. So I booked an appointment for the next morning. Still in shock I drove home and threw a great spa party for my beautiful 7 year old Hailey. What a perfect distraction.
The next morning bright and early Ben and I went in to see the
OB and discuss our options. Basically the only one
that made sense to us was to go in for a D&C the next day. Ben drove me
home and Cait and I spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch watching TV
while the big girls played with their cousin at soccer camp.
I've been here before. And it sucked. I didn't really think it would be so hard again. But it is. It's not quite the same as when we lost the twins. That crushed my world and changed my life. This is sad and a huge set back, but I feel like we'll be ok. With the twins I thought I'd never smile again. This time I have no choice, I have three girls who are expecting a smiling fun mom. And that's what they'll get. It's strange though, these emotions, I thought I'd conquered them. And even though I know it will be ok, it still sucks. I still feel ripped off. But there's nothing that can be done. So I'll be sad, but I will get better. I'll cry but it won't be forever. I'll mourn this loss, but maybe we'll get another baby one day. And if not, we'll be ok. We've done it before and we'll do it again. I'm lucky to have such great friends and family, and three beautiful little daughters and especially my amazing husband! He's just perfect and I'm glad he's the one by my side through all this. He's an expert you know!
Here are some pictures I took of my girls recently. Ironically I tool them the same day I took pictures of their Tea Party pregnancy announcement.