Monday, July 28, 2014

Been there, done that

It's strange how things happen. How one day everything can just seem so normal, and then within minutes that all changes. Like last week when I went in for a routine Prenatal appointment, we went over the ultrasound I had just had a few days before. An ultrasound where everything was perfect. We talked about all sorts of routine things. We listened to my heart, my lungs, measured my uterus and then went to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was kind of hard to find....but not such a big deal because I was just 14 weeks and my placenta was in the way. This happened with Cait - and everything turned out ok. After about 10 minutes the doctor gave up and said not to worry. I had just had a beautiful ultrasound a few days earlier, so there was nothing to worry about. BUT, she did send me in for an ultrasound to calm my mommy nerves. I hopped on over to the clinic. I was thinking about how this was such an inconvenience because I really needed to get home for Hailey's Birthday party...and I still needed to pick up a few last minute things from the store. But then again I will NEVER pass up a chance to see one of my babies on the ultrasound screen. I thought it would just be a quick look at the baby, a confirmation that everything was ok.

It wasn't.

There was no heartbeat. And honestly, I was shocked. I had not expected this in the slightest. In fact, I kind of thought I had filled my bank full of loss. I guess not. So I went back into the maternity clinic and met with the doctor. We talked about a few things and then she asked if I wanted to meet with the OB. I would have loved to talk about it with her at that moment, but I had a party to get to, and 7 year old girl birthday parties don't get put on hold for anything. So I booked an appointment for the next morning. Still in shock I drove home and threw a great spa party for my beautiful 7 year old Hailey. What a perfect distraction.

The next morning bright and early Ben and I went in to see the OB and discuss our options. Basically the only one that made sense to us was to go in for a D&C the next day. Ben drove me home and Cait and I spent the rest of the day cuddled on the couch watching TV while the big girls played with their cousin at soccer camp.

I've been here before. And it sucked. I didn't really think it would be so hard again. But it is. It's not quite the same as when we lost the twins. That crushed my world and changed my life. This is sad and a huge set back, but I feel like we'll be ok. With the twins I thought I'd never smile again. This time I have no choice, I have three girls who are expecting a smiling fun mom. And that's what they'll get. It's strange though, these emotions, I thought I'd conquered them. And even though I know it will be ok, it still sucks. I still feel ripped off. But there's nothing that can be done. So I'll be sad, but I will get better. I'll cry but it won't be forever. I'll mourn this loss, but maybe we'll get another baby one day. And if not, we'll be ok. We've done it before and we'll do it again. I'm lucky to have such great friends and family, and three beautiful little daughters and especially my amazing husband! He's just perfect and I'm glad he's the one by my side through all this. He's an expert you know!


Here are some pictures I took of my girls recently. Ironically I tool them the same day I took pictures of their Tea Party pregnancy announcement. 










Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Just a little announcement




So a few months ago Ben and I decided to talk about whether we should have more kids. I really struggle with New born babies, it's just so hard, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to put our family through that again. We were pretty much decided that we were happy with the three we had and we should count our blessings and move on to the next stage of our life. But something changed...in the form of a positive pregnancy test. I guess our 'decision' wasn't really ours to make. So we wrapped our minds around the idea of another baby and decided that it was actually pretty exciting...in fact pretty amazing. We were pretty shocked by the news and decided to keep it a secret for a while. We needed time to let it all sink in first. And then the morning sickness hit. Hard. And I just had no energy to talk to anyone or tell them what was going on, I just had to focus all my energy on getting through the day. And that's what we did. There were small breaks in morning sickness where I got to dream up cute announcement ideas. And one day decided on a little tea party for my girls...just like the one above. And then weeks later there was another break in the morning sickness and I pulled it all together and got a few adorable pictures of my three perfect little girls. And so now we just wait to find out we're having (at the end of August). And just for the record, before anyone else says it, we were NOT trying or hoping for a boy. We were also not trying or hoping for a girl. What would make us happier than anything is a baby that can spend less time at the hospital than Cait. So please, understand that. We are just happy to have a baby...boy or girl!!

So that's the news...McCance baby number 4 (or 6 depending on how you count) will be here near the end and January. We've got a LOT of work to do to prepare. Like maybe develop our basement?? Or just organize baby clothes - get rid of or buy new ones depending on the gender. Check out our car seat and see if it's even valid anymore. Buy a baby swing because I honestly have no baby stuff anymore. Think about names, and all sorts of other baby things. Get Cait ready for a baby. Get Cait into some important doctors appointments BEFORE the baby comes. And so on. SO MUCH WORK!! SO WORTH IT!


Friday, June 27, 2014

The last days of school

So another school year has come to an end. Although I'm happy for summer vacation and the freedom and lack of schedule, I will miss their teachers. Paige's teacher was just so sweet and kind and wonderful. Paige loved everything about preschool. I'm so glad I chose to send her this year! Hailey's teacher was just amazing. I couldn't think of a better person to watch over my sweet baby girl all day long. She encouraged Hailey to grow and learn but yet let her have fun at the same time. I'm so sad that she's moved onto another school next year because now Paige can't have her in grade one. But I'm sure there are other great teachers out there!! It was a great year! BUT, summer...I can't wait!!






Just a quick comparison from their first day and last days of school. HUGE changes!


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Fathers Day Donuts

One of the best things about preschool is all the fun activities they do...like this little Fathers Day donuts party they had one evening last week. Paige was so super excited all week for this day. She picked her outfit out especially for the night and even had very clear instructions on how to do her hair. There's just something so specially about a Father and his Daughter...and lucky Ben...he's got three!!

When it was time to go Paige asked me to take a picture of her and Ben on her way...she also had a firm idea of what this picture should like. Even though I thought it looked a little like a ventriloquist and his doll, she knew this is just what she wanted. And who could blame her, she's in her Daddy's arms!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Graduation

8 years ago I graduated from University. I actually should have graduated a year earlier, but because of a mix up with the Registrar I had to take one last course the following fall. Trust me, I spent a million hours crying about that mix up. But in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big of a deal. So in the fall of 2005 I went BACK to school to finish my degree. I was working full time at that point so I just took that one silly final course in the evening. That September we also learned we were pregnant with the twins. It was a pretty emotional and stressful time to say the least. We were stressed about having twins, about finishing school, about my job, Ben's job, and then on top of it the million specialist appointments I had to attend. It was busy. But I had some really great classmates that I became close with at the time. They knew pretty early on that I was pregnant...I mean if puking in the garbage can in the hallway doesn't give it away, what does? And everyone was so great. We finished the semester in December. I qualified for graduation in the spring. In January Ben left his steady job to start a business with his Dad. And just 6 days later we found out the twins had died. It was an awful awful time in our lives. And somehow my spring graduation meant so little to me suddenly. We attended a memorial for our babies in May 2006 and then just a few weeks later I decided that I owed it to myself to walk the stage for my University Graduation. It still seemed so unimportant. I was a changed person. The things I cared about before meant nothing to be at the time. In fact, pretty much everything meant nothing to me. I was a sad broken girl. But I did it. I pulled myself together enough to walk the stage. And that was it. I would have traded anything...that huge milestone especially...to have my babies back. Those years of hard work felt so pointless. And so I went back to work the next day and didn't even think about my graduation again. I actually misplaced my degree...that very important piece of paper that proves I actually graduated...gone.

Anyway, I didn't put much thought into that day until just recently. Josh and Charlotte BOTH graduated this year from University (Josh's 2nd degree). They asked me to come and take pictures of them around the University grounds. It was so much fun...and it brought back a million fun memories. That is until we walked into the business school where I spent most of my time. And then all those 2005/2006 emotions came back pretty hard. I found my picture on the wall of 2006 graduates and I could see that sorrow in my eyes. I could feel that sorrow again. It hurts. And then we had a brilliant idea. We went outside and took a picture of me in Charlotte's cap, holding her degree (pretending it was mine) and smiling! Because that's what 8 years does to you. It heals those gaping wounds. There's still scars, and sometimes it hurts. But mostly I'm ok. And I'm pretty proud of all that I accomplished!!

 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Welcome home Grandma and Grandpa!!!

So my parents came home from their mission last week. We got lucky and they spent Thursday night at our house - we were the first to see them!!!!

So, my siblings and I had been planning a little (maybe big) surprise welcome home party for them on Saturday for a few months. It was pretty fun planning and organizing it all. We decided to have a huge icecream bar in honour of all the time they spent at their local DQ. When I say huge I mean it...every single topping you could possibly imagine was there. And everything was decorated so cute too! So many wonderful friends and family showed up and made the night so much more perfect. We had a small program where the grandkids sang a song, Nate gave a tribute, Mom and Dad responded and then we watched a beautiful slideshow of images from their mission (that we might have swiped without their knowledge) along with pictures of what all their kids were doing at home at the same time. It was a fun night and I'm glad we were able to pull it off and genuinely surprise them! They're the greatest parents/grandparents/friends/Aunt/Uncle/missionaries/people ever and they deserved to be acknowledged! We love you Mom and Dad!!


Thursday, June 05, 2014

The bike Crew

Now this...this is a bike crew I wouldn't mess with. You never know, they might just throw turquoise sparkles at you if you get too close. OR they might even sing you a song or two. Whatever you do, stay away, unless of course you like all things girls, then by all means hop on a bike and join the party!


Toddlers in helmets...cutest thing ever!