Memories

Just when I thought I was ok. Just when I thought I could go to church and sit through another baby blessing without crying, just when I thought I could handle the fact that I don’t have my children with me and everyone else has theirs, just when I thought that I could handle still not being pregnant, I get reminded how hard life really is. Seriously it’s so hard.

This last week a friend of mine just found out she was pregnant. She’s been trying for years and after two failed IUI’s (intra-uterine insemination) she finally got pregnant on her third IUI. I was so excited for her; she’s one of those people who just deserved it so much. She was so happy too, because this way she wouldn’t have to move onto IVF (in-vitro Fertilization) like they’d planned; she was done with trying and she would finally get her baby. It turns out she still needed to wait though. She had an early miscarriage and lost all the dreams and hopes that she created within days of finding out she was pregnant. I think what most people don’t understand is that it hurts so much no matter how far along you are. From the moment you find out you are pregnant you start planning the next phase of your life. You instantly think of things like names, first steps, first kisses, Universities, grandchildren and so on. It’s silly that you think of all that stuff, but you really do. It truly only takes a minute to create a life of dreams for an unborn child, it also only takes a minute to lose all those dreams when you lose a child.

So I’ve been thinking about how I dealt with my loss and what was hard about it at the time and what is hard about it today. I know the pain is not nearly as raw today as it was 6 months ago, in fact it’s not nearly as raw today as it was 3 months ago. But let me tell you, it’s still not fun at all. It’s really strange, I can go for days being fine, and then I go for days being just OK, and then I get hit with the memories of how hard it all is and I go through a few days of sadness and longing. It’s things like seeing a friend of mine lose a baby she so badly wanted and then seeing someone else mistreat a child they didn’t want that remind me of how hard life is. It’s knowing that no matter how good of a person I am, I can’t undo the events of this last year. It’s both the knowing I’m not pregnant each month as well as not knowing when I will get pregnant. It really is just the fear of the unknown.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I (someone who now knows better) should act when others go through similar experiences. I’ve decided that there isn’t much you can say to comfort anyone – all you can do is be sorry for their loss and acknowledge that their pain is valid and real. I remember the day before we went into the hospital to deliver Emma and Jayne, Ben and I stopped by where Nate was working that day to visit him – and just get some hugs. I remember the minute I saw him he started crying, and then he said how sorry he was, that he missed them already, and that he wished he could take my pain away. I don’t think he could have said anything better. He knew full well that he couldn’t take my pain away, but if he could, I know he would in a second. That meant so much to me at the time and it means so much now, it also taught me an important lesson. We really need to do all we can to help each other, we need to be sensitive to others when they are happy, and when they are sad. Mostly we just need to care for those around us.

This brings me back to my friend that just miscarried, I also told her that I wish I could take her pain away and feel it myself. I really would do this if I could, partly because I know it’s so hard and I really would never wish that on anyone else, but also because I know I could handle it. I’ve handled it before and I know I can get through it. I know if I lose another baby, I will get through it. We truly are comforted when life gets rough. I know I was. I made it through because I know there is more to life than what we can see right now, I know there is a plan.