Wednesday, June 18, 2014


8 years ago I graduated from University. I actually should have graduated a year earlier, but because of a mix up with the Registrar I had to take one last course the following fall. Trust me, I spent a million hours crying about that mix up. But in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big of a deal. So in the fall of 2005 I went BACK to school to finish my degree. I was working full time at that point so I just took that one silly final course in the evening. That September we also learned we were pregnant with the twins. It was a pretty emotional and stressful time to say the least. We were stressed about having twins, about finishing school, about my job, Ben's job, and then on top of it the million specialist appointments I had to attend. It was busy. But I had some really great classmates that I became close with at the time. They knew pretty early on that I was pregnant...I mean if puking in the garbage can in the hallway doesn't give it away, what does? And everyone was so great. We finished the semester in December. I qualified for graduation in the spring. In January Ben left his steady job to start a business with his Dad. And just 6 days later we found out the twins had died. It was an awful awful time in our lives. And somehow my spring graduation meant so little to me suddenly. We attended a memorial for our babies in May 2006 and then just a few weeks later I decided that I owed it to myself to walk the stage for my University Graduation. It still seemed so unimportant. I was a changed person. The things I cared about before meant nothing to be at the time. In fact, pretty much everything meant nothing to me. I was a sad broken girl. But I did it. I pulled myself together enough to walk the stage. And that was it. I would have traded anything...that huge milestone have my babies back. Those years of hard work felt so pointless. And so I went back to work the next day and didn't even think about my graduation again. I actually misplaced my degree...that very important piece of paper that proves I actually graduated...gone.

Anyway, I didn't put much thought into that day until just recently. Josh and Charlotte BOTH graduated this year from University (Josh's 2nd degree). They asked me to come and take pictures of them around the University grounds. It was so much fun...and it brought back a million fun memories. That is until we walked into the business school where I spent most of my time. And then all those 2005/2006 emotions came back pretty hard. I found my picture on the wall of 2006 graduates and I could see that sorrow in my eyes. I could feel that sorrow again. It hurts. And then we had a brilliant idea. We went outside and took a picture of me in Charlotte's cap, holding her degree (pretending it was mine) and smiling! Because that's what 8 years does to you. It heals those gaping wounds. There's still scars, and sometimes it hurts. But mostly I'm ok. And I'm pretty proud of all that I accomplished!!



Kierra of The Irvine Home said...

I just cried reading this. I can't put my finger on why, but it was beautifully written. I remember not knowing what to say to you during that time (you were my YW leader during everything), but I am so glad that you are now happy with 3 beautiful girls that are here with you and a 4th on the way!

Laura said...

I just love you.