Awwww.....

Aren't we cute?? Rebecca took this picture on Fathers day this weekend.

We had a nice day. Ben and I went out to Claresholm for the afternoon to spend time with his family - everyone came (except Chris, but he's in a completely different country). It was a nice warm afternoon and we spent most of it eating and visiting outside. The kids were cute as usual...seriously they were so cute. I just can't believe how grown up Emily is. She sat with me while I read three - yes THREE Dora books and one Blues Clues book. She was so great!!! She just sat there and read along with me like a big girl (I guess she'll be 4 this summer). Carson was so cute too...he love-love-loved the quads. Bens dad decided to take Emily for a spin on one and as soon as he fired it up, Carson dropped everything and ran as fast as his little legs (and waddling hips) could take him. It was sooo funny. He just wanted to be on that quad so bad.

It was nice to see the family, to visit with Rebecca and Randall, talk with Ashley about her beau, visit with Bens Grandma, see his parents, and look at the pictures from his Grannie and Granpa's trip. It was just nice, and relaxing - I had a good time. Although I did miss my family, and I think (judging by the three messages they left) they missed me too. I finally got a hold of my dad and we talked. He of course managed to make me cry when he asked that I wish Ben a happy Fathers day - regardless of how hard it would be.

Anyway, I just wanted to share something that happened that day that was really special. Right before we ate, Bens Grannie came up to me and gave me a hug - she whispered in my ear and told me that she too had lost a baby late in pregnancy - and that she knew how hard it was. She really knew. Of course I cried. I cried because I'm still sad, I cried because I'm still devastated, I cried because I wasn't expecting her to say that, but mostly I cried because she understands. She told me how heartbreaking it was to lose her baby and that it just devastated her. The most touching of all was when she said this, "We were married for nine years before we had our first baby". To me this was significant because she acknowledged the baby that came from that pregnancy. And knowing that she acknowledged that child, helps me to know that she acknowledges ours. We really missed Emma and Jayne on Fathers day, but it was actually one of the first days that I was really OK without them. I think I'll be ok.

5 years...

... one wedding, two apartments, a first home, a twin pregnancy later and I'm finally done University. Well technically it was 4 full years, two spring/summer courses and one final semester with only one course (so 4 1/2 years). I like to pretend I was actually done in June of last year, but we all know better. Anyway, I was so excited to attend my convocation, although I'm not really sure why. It was long, boring, a little bizarre, mostly pointless, a little long, and even a bit longer. But in the end they read my name (which they pronounced Meegan), I walked across the stage, shook hands with some important guy, had my picture taken (which I forgot to pose for), shook hands with some other guy, received my Alumni pin, had another picture taken, and sat down - but most importantly they read my name and I walked across the stage. It was all done. My years as a University student are finally done!!! Now, there area few things I wish someone had told me before the ceremony. Here it goes:


I wish that someone had told me...

1. How great it really feels to walk across the stage with my degree in hand and shake hands with the "important" guy (I have no idea who he was)
2. How odd the clothes are - who were all those people sitting up front wearing crazy clothes?
3. How bizarre the actual ceremony is - like why did the guy wave his magic wand around?
4. That there are actual awards to be won, had I known that, I probably would have worked a lot harder (who am I kidding - I wouldn't have changed a thing, but I still wish I knew)
5. That although it's just a silly ceremony, it really does feel like something is different. I can now say (without lying) that I have graduated from University with a BCOMM!!! Now that is impressive
6. That the people they give "honorary degrees" to are sometimes crazy - at least ours was. "...you are here to represent the 95% of the population who are working and not the disadvantaged..." hmmm....
7. That during the whole ceremony you sit there hoping your family cheers really really loud for you, and then when it's your turn you are just too excited to listen (I think you did because the "important guy" said he could hear my family chearing - he's "important" so I'll trust him)
8. That you actually get excited. I thought I didn't care until that day.
9. That the guy handing out alumni pins probably doesn't like the fact that I mocked the pin when he gave it to me. Some should have told me that I'd be getting a lame pin
10. That somehow I still don't feel done...I'm already planning what I'm going to do next when I go back to school (am I crazy?)

Anyway, here are some pics from the day:

Here's everyone that showed up (except Mom cause she's taking the picture)

Dad, Mom, me (the one in the cap and gown) and Ben

The two Haskayne grads from our Family

The guy who helped me through the last 3 1/2 years of school

My Husband!!

SURPRISE!

What's in the Pantry?? Is it a monster??

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No...It's a MATTHEW!!! Ahhhhh!!!!

Memorial

So this is a few weeks late, but it’s still very real in my mind. This post is mostly for me to remember what the day was like, but it’s also a place I can share my feelings with my Family.

The day was special. I was nervous the whole week leading up to the memorial - partly because I didn’t know what to wear, I didn’t know who else would be there, I didn’t know how long it would be or what the program would be like, and mostly I was nervous because my family was going to be there. I know I shouldn’t have been worried about any of that, but I was. I knew I wanted to share this experience with my family and have them really understand what it was that I’d felt, but I was unsure of whether they would understand fully or if they would just think I was silly for being so sad. So the problem was this: I wanted them to come so they could appreciate what we’d been through, but I was worried if they came they wouldn’t appreciate it. It’s almost like this whole experience has been so special to me that I am afraid to share it with others who won’t understand.

So I toyed with the idea of not inviting them, but soon realized that they really wanted to be involved in this part of my life. I also knew that deep down I wanted them to be included too. In the end everyone ended up coming (except a few important people who wanted to be there but couldn’t). Ben and I drove our new truck which helped to ease the pain – it took some of the pressure and attention off us and our feelings because everyone wanted to see the new truck and weren’t as stuck on looking at us cry. We sat as a family in the chapel at the memorial service and we cried together as a family. The whole experience just reminded me how raw my emotions were and still are. It also reminded me of how blessed I am to have some sort of understanding of life beyond death – although I do wish someone would clarify what exactly happens so I can stop thinking about it. Anyway, here are some of my thoughts and memories from the day:

- It really sunk in when I saw Emma and Jayne’s names on the list of babies that didn’t make it
- I was grateful for the Kleenex packages placed on each seat in the chapel. I forgot to bring Kleenex’s and I also forgot to wear Waterproof Mascara – so they were much needed.
- I loved how when Ben and I first sat all alone in the front row, Jeff and Yuka came and sat with us. They knew we didn’t want to sit alone.
- I loved that Emily came and showed us her candy dispenser before the service started. She knew we were sad and figured that candy, which would make her happy, would also make us happy – she was right
- It hurt to see all the other families there and to see how raw their pain was too. I wanted to hug them and tell them that they would be ok; however, I think my pain was just as raw and I wasn’t sure myself if it would be ok.
- I was touched to see the Pierson’s, who organized the yearly service long before any losses in their family, had recently lost a baby as well. They now had experienced the same pain as all the people they have helped over the years
-I cried when I had to walk to the front and accept the stones with Emma and Jayne’s names on them; I cried harder when I turned around and saw Sarah crying too. I knew then that my family really did care.
- I was happy to see that our girl’s names were at the top of the plaque and not down in the middle with all the other names. It seems like they were more important – at least to me they are.
- I hate that we had to leave the Memorial site at the end of the service. I wanted to stay there and just think about it – I will go back soon to do just that.
- I’m disappointed that I didn’t talk to any of the other families there. I really wanted to hear their stories and get to know them.
- I was glad to see the memorial was important to the other families – I didn’t need to talk to them to know that. I also know that regardless of their story, they were still sad and were still mourning the loss of their children too.
- I love that the sun shone bright that day and that it didn’t rain. I needed the Sun that day.

After the memorial, we went back to our place for a family barbeque. It was fun and helped ease some of the sadness surrounding the day. We were able to forget how sad we were and just enjoy each others company. It actually reminded me a bit of my Grandma’s funeral. I was young so I don’t remember it very well, but I do remember playing with my cousins after and having so much fun. I learned that day that funerals don’t have to be sad times, but that they can be happy times for us to remember that we have a loving and just God, that there is life beyond death and that we will be with our families forever.

Overall the day was good; however, for how much I appreciated the day and thought it was beautiful, I wish it had never happened. I wish we still had our girls…I miss them.