Memorial

So this is a few weeks late, but it’s still very real in my mind. This post is mostly for me to remember what the day was like, but it’s also a place I can share my feelings with my Family.

The day was special. I was nervous the whole week leading up to the memorial - partly because I didn’t know what to wear, I didn’t know who else would be there, I didn’t know how long it would be or what the program would be like, and mostly I was nervous because my family was going to be there. I know I shouldn’t have been worried about any of that, but I was. I knew I wanted to share this experience with my family and have them really understand what it was that I’d felt, but I was unsure of whether they would understand fully or if they would just think I was silly for being so sad. So the problem was this: I wanted them to come so they could appreciate what we’d been through, but I was worried if they came they wouldn’t appreciate it. It’s almost like this whole experience has been so special to me that I am afraid to share it with others who won’t understand.

So I toyed with the idea of not inviting them, but soon realized that they really wanted to be involved in this part of my life. I also knew that deep down I wanted them to be included too. In the end everyone ended up coming (except a few important people who wanted to be there but couldn’t). Ben and I drove our new truck which helped to ease the pain – it took some of the pressure and attention off us and our feelings because everyone wanted to see the new truck and weren’t as stuck on looking at us cry. We sat as a family in the chapel at the memorial service and we cried together as a family. The whole experience just reminded me how raw my emotions were and still are. It also reminded me of how blessed I am to have some sort of understanding of life beyond death – although I do wish someone would clarify what exactly happens so I can stop thinking about it. Anyway, here are some of my thoughts and memories from the day:

- It really sunk in when I saw Emma and Jayne’s names on the list of babies that didn’t make it
- I was grateful for the Kleenex packages placed on each seat in the chapel. I forgot to bring Kleenex’s and I also forgot to wear Waterproof Mascara – so they were much needed.
- I loved how when Ben and I first sat all alone in the front row, Jeff and Yuka came and sat with us. They knew we didn’t want to sit alone.
- I loved that Emily came and showed us her candy dispenser before the service started. She knew we were sad and figured that candy, which would make her happy, would also make us happy – she was right
- It hurt to see all the other families there and to see how raw their pain was too. I wanted to hug them and tell them that they would be ok; however, I think my pain was just as raw and I wasn’t sure myself if it would be ok.
- I was touched to see the Pierson’s, who organized the yearly service long before any losses in their family, had recently lost a baby as well. They now had experienced the same pain as all the people they have helped over the years
-I cried when I had to walk to the front and accept the stones with Emma and Jayne’s names on them; I cried harder when I turned around and saw Sarah crying too. I knew then that my family really did care.
- I was happy to see that our girl’s names were at the top of the plaque and not down in the middle with all the other names. It seems like they were more important – at least to me they are.
- I hate that we had to leave the Memorial site at the end of the service. I wanted to stay there and just think about it – I will go back soon to do just that.
- I’m disappointed that I didn’t talk to any of the other families there. I really wanted to hear their stories and get to know them.
- I was glad to see the memorial was important to the other families – I didn’t need to talk to them to know that. I also know that regardless of their story, they were still sad and were still mourning the loss of their children too.
- I love that the sun shone bright that day and that it didn’t rain. I needed the Sun that day.

After the memorial, we went back to our place for a family barbeque. It was fun and helped ease some of the sadness surrounding the day. We were able to forget how sad we were and just enjoy each others company. It actually reminded me a bit of my Grandma’s funeral. I was young so I don’t remember it very well, but I do remember playing with my cousins after and having so much fun. I learned that day that funerals don’t have to be sad times, but that they can be happy times for us to remember that we have a loving and just God, that there is life beyond death and that we will be with our families forever.

Overall the day was good; however, for how much I appreciated the day and thought it was beautiful, I wish it had never happened. I wish we still had our girls…I miss them.