Back when I was pregnant with Cait I remember being warned. I was told ALL the horror stories about how two kids was a handful and three was just a disaster. Which by the way...thanks for the WARNING! You know...it's not like there was anything I could do about it. The baby was on her way no matter what...so warning me served no purpose other than to scare me. Anyway, I didn't believe anyone. I deserved an easy baby. I really did. Hailey was a handful in only the ways that I was a new mom. As an experienced mom I would says she wasn't all that tough. But I do remember the only way I could get her to nurse passed 4 months was in a dark room...standing up...rocking and bouncing her with white noise in the background. And we lasted 16 months!!! Paige. Well she was so much my baby and only my baby. Others learned pretty quickly to not even bother looking at her otherwise hysterics would ensue. She LOVED her soother...and as along is it (and me) were nearby, we were good to go. She had a few rough adjustments to sleeping, but by the time she was 6 months old I was guaranteed a good full sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! It really wasn't that bad...in hindsight.
And then Cait came along. She was a bit colicky to start. Then she chilled right out. Everyone was wrong...completely wrong! She was relaxed, quiet, slept like a dream etc. etc. etc. Life was smooth. There was no impending disaster. Three kids was a piece of cake! Then she got her first kidney infection. And then another and another....and you get the point. Things went down hill pretty fast. Everything changed. She started waking at night when she never used to, she would cry all day long, she was just so unhappy. She had a surgery in October and we hoped for a change in attitude. But it felt like things just got worse! I would say we have a happy Cait maybe 20% of the time, and then the other 80%...well that's when I barely make it through the day. I cry a LOT. The poor big girls, they are VERY neglected. And then there's Ben. He just works soooo much! And when he's home, he's got three (ok 4) crying girls to deal with. It's pretty rough.
I don't know. Today has clearly been a pretty rough day. The baby's sick...and I feel like I have been running on empty for too long. I'm also so conflicted right now. I just really want 4 kids. I LOVE the idea of 4 grown children...but I'm not sure if I can handle another baby. Or if it's even fair to my other kids. I want to volunteer in school with my kids...but I can't so easily when I have a baby. Especially a cranky one! I'm jealous of other moms who have 'easy' babies...or who handle the cranky ones with ease. And I don't want to be jealous. I have this beautiful life! I have sooooo many blessings. I have great children...and I especially love that crying baby! I have a pretty amazing husband. He's patient and kind and gently and fun and crazy and just plain awesome! I also know that pretty soon this rough little patch in my life with be a distant memory...and I'll one day say "it wasn't that bad" again. I know it. But until then, I thought I'd just share a bit of honesty.
Here's a picture of Cait...see that face? That face is trouble brewing! LOL. She is one mischievous babe!
p.p.s. since I'm pretty sure my mom is the only one who still reads this. And since she's across the country and will worry...just know I'm actually ok! Life is pretty good!